#08: How to prevent unhealthy conflict using the 3 empowerment roles

In this post, I am going to tell you how to prevent unhealthy conflict from occurring during a meeting.

Conflict.

That word alone caused a few of you to panic. You are not alone.

7% of workplace time is spent in conflict

A few other stats:

1. Conflict management is one of the biggest fears held my new managers
2. Employees spend 3 hrs per week involved in conflict
3. Managers spend up to 40% of their time dealing with interpersonal conflict

source: Harvard Business Review

Ugh. There is plenty of conflict that drains our energy and prevents us from doing the best work of our lives. However, not all conflict is bad. Here is what I have learned after facilitating 100s of meetings and workshops:

We crave healthy conflict. We don’t want drama

conflict (n): an active disagreement between people with opposing opinions or principles.

If you want collaboration and a high performing teams, conflict is inevitable. I would even argue conflict is critical for great work to happen. You want active disagreement and a critique of ideas. You want diverse and opposing opinions on a team to push ideas and concepts further and faster. Here is what you don’t want to feel:

• blame or shame
• afraid to share something personal affecting our work
• like a victim and un-empowered
• like we have to overwork to ‘save’ people
• like we can’t trust our teammates

Conflict is a huge topic to cover all in one post. I want to share with you how we can overcome these enervating dynamics during a meeting by shifting away from dramatic conversations and shift to empowered moments that leave everyone feeling whole, resilient and connected.

Avoid the drama triangle

One of my favorite visual frameworks to bring awareness to toxic drama is the 3 roles of the Karpman Drama Triangle. Here they are:

1. Victim: They say “poor me.”
2. Persecutor: They say “it’s all your fault.”
3. Rescuer: They say “I can solve it.”

Think about a past meeting you attended.

Can you identify your own behavior in these roles? I sure can.

Let’s look at a drama triangle scenario that can happen during a meeting.

Example:

Victim: “Hey, I didn’t get that Powerpoint slide done for this meeting. I am so sorry. I had no time to do it. I am stressed out. it won’t happen again”

Persecutor: “This isn’t the first time this has happened. We need this today for the leadership meeting. Please don’t have this happen again. It is unacceptable”

Rescuer: “Hey, I can help you. Send it to me. I can get it done right after this call.”

At first glance, this may seem like a good outcome of the conversation. There is a problem, it is surfaced, a little bit of fear was instilled and then a teammate comes in to help so we can get that Powerpoint slide done.

The problem is:

• the victim gets their needs met by having others take care of them vs. addressing the underlying issues that caused them to feel like a victim in the first place
• the rescuer keeps the victim dependent on them
• the persecutor learns that blame and anger is a way to get work done.

A drama triangle occurs when someone takes the role as a victim or a persecutor (Note: these roles can change in a moment's notice). They unknowingly invite others into the drama. Don't fall for it!

There is a better way. The Empowerment Triangle.

Activate the empowerment triangle

Use the 3 roles of the Empowerment Triangle to shift from:

1. Victim to Creator: Instead of "poor me," they say “I can choose how to respond to life’s challenges.”
2. Persecutor to Challenger: Instead of "it's all your fault," they say “how can you learn and grow from this situation”
3. Rescuer to Coach: instead of "I can solve it," they say “I believe we are all resourceful and resilient”

Your job as a facilitator is to prevent people from being a victim or persecutor and to coach everyone to move into the empowerment dynamic.

Let’s see the same example above play out using this new frame:

Victim: “Hey, I didn’t get that PowerPoint slide done for this meeting. I am so sorry. I had no time to do it. I am stressed out. it won’t happen again”

Victim > Creator: “I am noticing that the stress of my newborn is impacting my ability to get my work done. I have a few ideas on how to change it but I can use help”

Persecutor > Challenger: “So sorry to hear that! I know this isn’t the first time this has happened. I wonder if you can talk to HR and the two of you can come back with a new plan on how to reduce the stress while still being able to meet these work deliverables. Are you willing to talk to HR to get the help you need?”

Rescuer > Coach: “I know you are feeling stressed at the moment but you got this! The team is here to support you in this wild journey. At the moment, it sounds like we still need to get this PowerPoint slide done. Let’s co-create a way forward to relieve some of your stress while still making a great leadership presentation. How does that sound?..."

In this example, we have:

• prevented someone from being a victim
• avoided language that would cause someone to shut down
• still addressed the work situation that is needed
• created trust with the victim that the team will have their back
• co-created a plan together, in the moment.
• understood the root cause
• sent a signal to the whole team that this is a safe space to share your authentic self so when new issues arise, you can share.

How can you shift you and your team from the drama to empowerment triangle?